I miss her. Its lonely with out her to talk to anymore, sometimes I manage to forget she's not around, sometimes. But I miss her, it was nice to have someone that close, to talk to about anything, at anytime. It is I think the thing I miss about her most, not her kisses, as few as were mine, not her hugs, as sweet as they were, not her eyes, pools to drown in, nor her hair, silken stands to run my fingers through but her voice. Spoken over the phone, dulcet tones, recieved with quickslver speed by instant messenger. I miss her words, I miss her.

Time they say is something which heals old wounds. It doesn't. Time simply makes the memory of the wound fade, as the scar grows ever so slowly. Time allows you to get used to it, to forget, to become acustomed to the pain, the aches and hurts. Time has worked on me, I no longer find myself thinking about her every day. Everything I see no longer brings memories of her tagging along with it. Every activity I think of no longer reminds me of lost and broken maybe what-ifs.

Sleep comes slowly and perhapes not at all tonight. of al the things I hate about Chronigc Fatigue its the things that it steals from me that I hate most. I hate the feeling of lost time, of being seperated from friends, of the things that might have been. I greatly desire to beat the damned thing to senselessness. I have to fight off the depresion, its hard, but I can do it. I might need to shoot a few things to help things along like, but thats just me being blood thirsty.

Well chicklets I must be offs to walk, or drive myself to distraction. VROOOM VROOOM!

Amos

Today is another day, and despite such a hopeful outlook, its not going so well. The rounds of muscle relaxers and painkillers from those lovely orange bottles with the white childproof lids have been constant it seems for the past week. I am glad to be home again though, texas is simply just too flat and treeless for a Virginian like me. Getting there was a travail too. Traveling by airplane is diffucult enough with CFS, but having to look after an 8 year old as well? (here comes the sarcasam) much Joy and Happiness. Truth be told it wasn't all that bad and I enjoyed myself immensly. Being around my 11 month old niece however made me realize some important things. #1 babies are the cutest, most adorable things in the world. #2 Babies take a lot of work and #3 though I still want a goodlyt amount of little rug rats, maybe I don't want quite as many as before. :-D. Of course finding a girlfriend and/or wife is a pretty important aspect of that goal.

The hard part about CFS for myself is the unconectedness. I feel so isolated, all my friends are off-line for the summer so I have no one to talk to online. Which is the way i mostly talk to my friends. It would be nice to get out more, but it's ahrd enough to keep up with my school work let alone work, or anything else. I'm just gonna have to make some friends on the sleepydust network I suppose. I'm not very good with keeping up with e-mail, its jsut not my thing I suppose, I much prefer Instant Messaging. I gdo hope I'm not rambling too much, the pain killers are really kicking in today and I'm really dizzy, shaky and out of it. I'll post again later this after noon I think.

Amos the Zombie King

Thunder rumbles in a contuinual rolling roar, waxing and waning like the waves of the shore. TOnight it seems is a night that can't be slept in, and not merely for the disturbance of a little weather, violent as it might be. Its the constant low level pain in my muscles and joints. The aching that prevents me from sitting in one position to long, it keeps me awake. Lying in bed is become an endless tossing and turning, a nomads life of always trying to find a comfortable position and always failing. I do lots of things to help the pain, Fist i ignore it, then when that doesn't work I take a hot shower to relaxe the muscles. Most of the pain tonight is in the muscles. I take the over the counter pain killers, which work sometimes but leave me drained, and with all the energy and muscle strength of a limp noodle. Eating helps to take my mind off it sometimes, the pleasure of a full belly drives away other pains. Other things less savory also help too. In the final last resort, o r when its just too much, I take prescrition pain killers. Maybe I'l be able to sleep soon, since i just took some of the wonderful percocet I have left. hmm maybe now I can finnaly get some much needed rest.


Amos "Pillz = Joy and Happiness" Fulks

Life is sucky, but now slightly better that I have talked to people. I no longer feel as much of a hermit when I can talk to people online. I've been feeling rather bad, and thus have gotten depressed. I've even been depressed enough to think about suicide, though not very seriously I must admit. It seems al I do is read, watch movies and tv, stare at the cealing, and feel like crap. School has gotten rather behind, not good with midterms here. I must remmerb to e-mail my professors and ask for an extension. I hate doing that, it always seems to me to be an admission of being different, of being sick. Sometime I think i just want to pretend I'm normal, that if I wern't sick this is the same place I would be in regardless. But it isn't, no one knows where I would be not even myself, but assuardly I would not be here I think. I want a cookies.


Amos

The Safarai Duo Strikes Back!

Today on Belvedere Plantation the Disparate Duo, went on safarai for dangerous organized small game. The furry charlie was everywhere that afteroon, the damned commies. But due to the supioror marksmanship (not spelling, can't spell worth a damn) of the Duo, they were able to prevail and reduce the enemy.

In other news the strawberry season closed today with rather nice crowds, though i was sooo embarresed. I forgot to take the tractor out of gear TWICE! Jerked the people in the wagon around reaaalll nice. Now granted the second time it was because I had switched tractors and the 2150 Oliver is tricky cause you can't visualy check to see if its in gear or not. My face was red anyways, I felt stupid. I am sleeping in tomorrow, and then I am going to shoot my SKS, and use up some of the 500 rounds which I purchased. AHHH life is good, and maybe i can finnaly get some school work done.

As for now,
This is Amos the Gun bearer signing out.


PS I'm at war at the moment, and a very strange war it is, a happy war, but strange.

Well hello again, I'mmmmmmmm BBBBAAAAAACCCCCKKKKKK. Now that i've got that out of my system, its time to review. So my brother visited last weekend for mothers day, and I finally got to meet my niece! W00t! She's nine months old, and crawls everywhere. I now desire one of these, anyone want to give me a hand? ;-p Bad news about the visit is that my older brother decided to bring along the stomach flu as well as my niece. He must really love me, because I'm the only one that caught it too any degree. The buthead. So I have now recovered partway, at least I am no longer tossing my cookies into the royal sit upon upon. I am still holding court rather often how ever, not much fun. I am now also reading Lord of Chaos, by Robert Jordan for the umpteenth time, which reminds me, I must go check the poor guys blog and see how he's doing. He has had to have his bone marrow replaced, as the bone marrow in his bones was apparently on its way to killing him. Not so much. I do hope he isn't dead, he's my dad's and I's favorite author. I do hope he gets better. And thats about it, you are now caught up with the Life of Amos.

Everything is going to get crazy for a few weeks. Its strawberry time and that means busy. Not as much as pumpkin time but close enough. THis year we start charging admision, for strawberry entry. So I won't be posting much. I really must try and post more often, I hope I don't forget about this site. I'm always starting journals and not finishing them. I do like face book though, Its very convienent to be able to conect to all my friends back at school. And post pictures, lets not forget the picture posting. Which reminds me I must go take more pictures, so I can post them.




the Meggish: "nothing says i love u like a dead kitten"

So I have decided to gorw my hair out until i can put it into a ponytail. Just for fun and kicks, this is me so far. With curly soft hair that the girls love so much. If i could only get more of them to stroke it...........

Tonight I have no one to keep me up with chatting on AIM. You know who you are. ;-p Disapointing but, maybe I'll get to sleep at a decent hour. :-) And thinking of sleep I had thought to share some poetry here, so here are two poems of sleep, about not getting any at first and then recieving some help. Sleep is rather important for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, insomnia, and unrefreshing sleep being major symptoms of it. It's natrual then I suppose that I write poems about it occasionaly.

But Sleep is a Song that the Temptress Sings

I am afraid of the rest that darkness brings
But sleep is a song that the temptress sings,

People and places locked up in dreams,
To scare and to startle by the reams,
A sword to defend have not I,
Nothing to do but tremble in the corner and cry
Staying awake till morning bell rings
For sleep is the song that the temptress sings

Under moon beam bright am I awake,
Fearing memories in slumber that make me quake,
Flat on my back, and in my bed,
Everything aches and feels like lead,
Burdens upon me like a thousand kings,
For sleep is the song that the temptress sings

No comfort found as I shift and I shiver,
Cold seeps though blankets, to cause me to shiver,
Strange visages take shape and appear
On the wall, in the corner, over there, over here
Oh nights without sleep are terrible things,
For sleep is the song that the temptress sings,

Eldritch voices whisper, “close your eyes”,
And also other succulent lies,
But I know far, far better then they,
I won’t close eyes till break of day
Even though around them come black rings,
For sleep is the song that the temptress sings,

Yet if sleep is her constant song,
Can it be too wrong?
She is not unpretty I think
And she does give me a saucy wink
Perhaps I’ll invite her in with welcoming arms
And for once I’ll take part in her buxom charms

After all sleep is the song that the temptress sings

Ian Fulks

Without Sleep

I'm tired you see, and not terribly bright
I don't know enough to sleep
when the sun goes away and down comes the night.

I've got this problem you see thats rather hard to 'splai
I read these comics, published by web
that contribute to sucking sleep from my brain

I crave it with such a longing that you can not conceive
with a thirst of the parched,
I'd do almost anything for sleep to receive

I am all by myself with no one to go to and say,
"I'm sick and I'm tired, please help me rest"!
but I do have some one, it only requires to bend my knees and pray,

HE is there when I need Him, He loves and He cares
no matter when, how, nor where
His arms embrace me, and cast off all worries and cares.

He'll forgive me forever no matter my brain or brawn,
a place in heaven assured
I am forgiven any and all action done wrong

It is important to think of this every now and then
it helps me to sleep
to know that in the long run, at the end, we win

Ian Fulks 01-05-06

So there you have em. What do ya think? Comments are appritiated, critizism especialy.