cfs = bad

2006-07-14T02:34:00.000-04:00

I miss her. Its lonely with out her to talk to anymore, sometimes I manage to forget she's not around, sometimes. But I miss her, it was nice to have someone that close, to talk to about anything, at anytime. It is I think the thing I miss about her most, not her kisses, as few as were mine, not her hugs, as sweet as they were, not her eyes, pools to drown in, nor her hair, silken stands to run my fingers through but her voice. Spoken over the phone, dulcet tones, recieved with quickslver speed by instant messenger. I miss her words, I miss her.

Time they say is something which heals old wounds. It doesn't. Time simply makes the memory of the wound fade, as the scar grows ever so slowly. Time allows you to get used to it, to forget, to become acustomed to the pain, the aches and hurts. Time has worked on me, I no longer find myself thinking about her every day. Everything I see no longer brings memories of her tagging along with it. Every activity I think of no longer reminds me of lost and broken maybe what-ifs.

Sleep comes slowly and perhapes not at all tonight. of al the things I hate about Chronigc Fatigue its the things that it steals from me that I hate most. I hate the feeling of lost time, of being seperated from friends, of the things that might have been. I greatly desire to beat the damned thing to senselessness. I have to fight off the depresion, its hard, but I can do it. I might need to shoot a few things to help things along like, but thats just me being blood thirsty.

Well chicklets I must be offs to walk, or drive myself to distraction. VROOOM VROOOM!

Amos

2006-07-13T13:14:00.000-04:00

Today is another day, and despite such a hopeful outlook, its not going so well. The rounds of muscle relaxers and painkillers from those lovely orange bottles with the white childproof lids have been constant it seems for the past week. I am glad to be home again though, texas is simply just too flat and treeless for a Virginian like me. Getting there was a travail too. Traveling by airplane is diffucult enough with CFS, but having to look after an 8 year old as well? (here comes the sarcasam) much Joy and Happiness. Truth be told it wasn't all that bad and I enjoyed myself immensly. Being around my 11 month old niece however made me realize some important things. #1 babies are the cutest, most adorable things in the world. #2 Babies take a lot of work and #3 though I still want a goodlyt amount of little rug rats, maybe I don't want quite as many as before. :-D. Of course finding a girlfriend and/or wife is a pretty important aspect of that goal.

The hard part about CFS for myself is the unconectedness. I feel so isolated, all my friends are off-line for the summer so I have no one to talk to online. Which is the way i mostly talk to my friends. It would be nice to get out more, but it's ahrd enough to keep up with my school work let alone work, or anything else. I'm just gonna have to make some friends on the sleepydust network I suppose. I'm not very good with keeping up with e-mail, its jsut not my thing I suppose, I much prefer Instant Messaging. I gdo hope I'm not rambling too much, the pain killers are really kicking in today and I'm really dizzy, shaky and out of it. I'll post again later this after noon I think.

Amos the Zombie King

2006-06-28T22:41:00.000-04:00

Thunder rumbles in a contuinual rolling roar, waxing and waning like the waves of the shore. TOnight it seems is a night that can't be slept in, and not merely for the disturbance of a little weather, violent as it might be. Its the constant low level pain in my muscles and joints. The aching that prevents me from sitting in one position to long, it keeps me awake. Lying in bed is become an endless tossing and turning, a nomads life of always trying to find a comfortable position and always failing. I do lots of things to help the pain, Fist i ignore it, then when that doesn't work I take a hot shower to relaxe the muscles. Most of the pain tonight is in the muscles. I take the over the counter pain killers, which work sometimes but leave me drained, and with all the energy and muscle strength of a limp noodle. Eating helps to take my mind off it sometimes, the pleasure of a full belly drives away other pains. Other things less savory also help too. In the final last resort, o r when its just too much, I take prescrition pain killers. Maybe I'l be able to sleep soon, since i just took some of the wonderful percocet I have left. hmm maybe now I can finnaly get some much needed rest.

Amos "Pillz = Joy and Happiness" Fulks

2006-06-28T00:06:00.000-04:00

Life is sucky, but now slightly better that I have talked to people. I no longer feel as much of a hermit when I can talk to people online. I've been feeling rather bad, and thus have gotten depressed. I've even been depressed enough to think about suicide, though not very seriously I must admit. It seems al I do is read, watch movies and tv, stare at the cealing, and feel like crap. School has gotten rather behind, not good with midterms here. I must remmerb to e-mail my professors and ask for an extension. I hate doing that, it always seems to me to be an admission of being different, of being sick. Sometime I think i just want to pretend I'm normal, that if I wern't sick this is the same place I would be in regardless. But it isn't, no one knows where I would be not even myself, but assuardly I would not be here I think. I want a cookies.

Amos

2006-06-03T21:11:00.000-04:00

The Safarai Duo Strikes Back!

Today on Belvedere Plantation the Disparate Duo, went on safarai for dangerous organized small game. The furry charlie was everywhere that afteroon, the damned commies. But due to the supioror marksmanship (not spelling, can't spell worth a damn) of the Duo, they were able to prevail and reduce the enemy.

In other news the strawberry season closed today with rather nice crowds, though i was sooo embarresed. I forgot to take the tractor out of gear TWICE! Jerked the people in the wagon around reaaalll nice. Now granted the second time it was because I had switched tractors and the 2150 Oliver is tricky cause you can't visualy check to see if its in gear or not. My face was red anyways, I felt stupid. I am sleeping in tomorrow, and then I am going to shoot my SKS, and use up some of the 500 rounds which I purchased. AHHH life is good, and maybe i can finnaly get some school work done.

As for now,
This is Amos the Gun bearer signing out.

PS I'm at war at the moment, and a very strange war it is, a happy war, but strange.

2006-05-18T13:59:00.000-04:00

Well hello again, I'mmmmmmmm BBBBAAAAAACCCCCKKKKKK. Now that i've got that out of my system, its time to review. So my brother visited last weekend for mothers day, and I finally got to meet my niece! W00t! She's nine months old, and crawls everywhere. I now desire one of these, anyone want to give me a hand? ;-p Bad news about the visit is that my older brother decided to bring along the stomach flu as well as my niece. He must really love me, because I'm the only one that caught it too any degree. The buthead. So I have now recovered partway, at least I am no longer tossing my cookies into the royal sit upon upon. I am still holding court rather often how ever, not much fun. I am now also reading Lord of Chaos, by Robert Jordan for the umpteenth time, which reminds me, I must go check the poor guys blog and see how he's doing. He has had to have his bone marrow replaced, as the bone marrow in his bones was apparently on its way to killing him. Not so much. I do hope he isn't dead, he's my dad's and I's favorite author. I do hope he gets better. And thats about it, you are now caught up with the Life of Amos.

2006-05-02T19:40:00.000-04:00

Everything is going to get crazy for a few weeks. Its strawberry time and that means busy. Not as much as pumpkin time but close enough. THis year we start charging admision, for strawberry entry. So I won't be posting much. I really must try and post more often, I hope I don't forget about this site. I'm always starting journals and not finishing them. I do like face book though, Its very convienent to be able to conect to all my friends back at school. And post pictures, lets not forget the picture posting. Which reminds me I must go take more pictures, so I can post them.

the Meggish: "nothing says i love u like a dead kitten"

2006-04-19T21:45:00.000-04:00

So I have decided to gorw my hair out until i can put it into a ponytail. Just for fun and kicks, this is me so far. With curly soft hair that the girls love so much. If i could only get more of them to stroke it...........

2006-04-19T21:32:00.000-04:00

Tonight I have no one to keep me up with chatting on AIM. You know who you are. ;-p Disapointing but, maybe I'll get to sleep at a decent hour. :-) And thinking of sleep I had thought to share some poetry here, so here are two poems of sleep, about not getting any at first and then recieving some help. Sleep is rather important for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, insomnia, and unrefreshing sleep being major symptoms of it. It's natrual then I suppose that I write poems about it occasionaly.

But Sleep is a Song that the Temptress Sings

I am afraid of the rest that darkness brings
But sleep is a song that the temptress sings,

People and places locked up in dreams,
To scare and to startle by the reams,
A sword to defend have not I,
Nothing to do but tremble in the corner and cry
Staying awake till morning bell rings
For sleep is the song that the temptress sings

Under moon beam bright am I awake,
Fearing memories in slumber that make me quake,
Flat on my back, and in my bed,
Everything aches and feels like lead,
Burdens upon me like a thousand kings,
For sleep is the song that the temptress sings

No comfort found as I shift and I shiver,
Cold seeps though blankets, to cause me to shiver,
Strange visages take shape and appear
On the wall, in the corner, over there, over here
Oh nights without sleep are terrible things,
For sleep is the song that the temptress sings,

Eldritch voices whisper, “close your eyes”,
And also other succulent lies,
But I know far, far better then they,
I won’t close eyes till break of day
Even though around them come black rings,
For sleep is the song that the temptress sings,

Yet if sleep is her constant song,
Can it be too wrong?
She is not unpretty I think
And she does give me a saucy wink
Perhaps I’ll invite her in with welcoming arms
And for once I’ll take part in her buxom charms

After all sleep is the song that the temptress sings

Ian Fulks

Without Sleep

I'm tired you see, and not terribly bright
I don't know enough to sleep
when the sun goes away and down comes the night.

I've got this problem you see thats rather hard to 'splai
I read these comics, published by web
that contribute to sucking sleep from my brain

I crave it with such a longing that you can not conceive
with a thirst of the parched,
I'd do almost anything for sleep to receive

I am all by myself with no one to go to and say,
"I'm sick and I'm tired, please help me rest"!
but I do have some one, it only requires to bend my knees and pray,

HE is there when I need Him, He loves and He cares
no matter when, how, nor where
His arms embrace me, and cast off all worries and cares.

He'll forgive me forever no matter my brain or brawn,
a place in heaven assured
I am forgiven any and all action done wrong

It is important to think of this every now and then
it helps me to sleep
to know that in the long run, at the end, we win

Ian Fulks 01-05-06

So there you have em. What do ya think? Comments are appritiated, critizism especialy.

2006-04-17T22:26:00.000-04:00

Today was one of those chilly rainy days, that just makes you want to curl up somewhere next to someone and nap, or watch a movie. But since there's no one round to do that with, i did the next best thing. I curled up with a book, and lost myself within it's captivating folds. Then I took a nap. I didn't read long, I've most terribly dizzy all today. It's punishment from eating candy yeasterday at Easter. The nap, helped and so did the sauna later. I always feel better after a coming out of the sauna, drained but better.
Being out of school is not the best of situatiuons. Sure there's no homework, stupid profesors, or annoying classmates, but there are also no friends, no high speed internet, no awesome proffesors, and no spring break. My little brothers are on spring break which is a sometime pesky thing. Having an eight year old bug you all day to play your computer while you are busy on it. Very frustrating, but its all good now cause he's asleep. Oh happy day. Maybe I can get some sleep now too.

Beware the Vampire Moose!

2006-04-05T22:51:00.000-04:00

I went awandering down a road today, looking to pass the time.
I found someone a slumbering, an certian old friend of mine.
He was standing upon his tail, and on his black many footed feet.
This dragon was still hibernating, as he's want to do in winter time, his job being at a loss.
For him it'll be soon to waken, and pour out his gift of rain.
This wyvern is not like ours, all firey and green of tail,
Instead he is quite slim, all skeloton and rusty iron scale.
Instead of flame he spouts a stream, unto a sea of green.
But as yet he rests and so I strode beneath, his thinly arching ribs.
To wade waist high into flowing waves, to sit and comtemplate my dim and dismal fate.
To watch the wind wip round, the brightly colored leaves.
Atteched to them were lighter colored stalks, one day in summer time to turn a golden brown, And turned into tightly tied groups of shocks.
But for a while I sat there, thinking thoughtful thoughts, of life and health, of relationships and of the breeze.
But as useful as shooting at the wind, to think such things as these.
It was time to get up and head for home, as I walk so I run, for the moment all alone.

2006-04-01T13:36:00.000-05:00

Old Man Winter has finally been given the boot. Every thing is blooming, and sprouting new leaves. The verdant green of spring abounds, and the winds blow to loft kites into the grey tubulent sky. Today on the Farm we had a Kite compitetion, and exhabition. It was pretty nifty to see how these guys handled thier kites. I even got to give it a hand myself. That and the half mile walk from home to the field where they were flying was enough to knock me out. I'm ready for a nap.

2006-03-26T20:52:00.001-05:00

This flu is a tough bugger to beat, I'm gonna have to see the doctor next week about this, hope they don't need to stick me, I'm not particularly fond of needles. It's just starting to get nice too. My trigger finger is getting itchy, I havn't fired off a round in almost two months. I really feel the need to preforate some paper. I wouldn't be able to hit anything worth a durn, but still. The sad part about it is that i finnally got some stripper clips, no more tediouis hand loading the magazine, just one smooth push and their in. Recently though I have been desireing something other then the rifle I've got, a rather nice yugo sks. I'd really like something in a .30-06, maybe something to put a scope on. Our farm is wide open fields, abuted by mature fourstory tall 100+ old forest. So while my sks works well for the briar infested woods, I need something for the long distances across the fields. A garand would be nice, I'm not really interested in rifles with the fiberglass, and synthetic stocks. They all just look ugly. I like my guns with a sense of history, and not much beats a proven design. The history buff (read geek) in me agrees, i want to be able to point to my guns and tell people that such and such were used in this battle, and in this war, or my great great uncle/3rd cousin carried on of these. Maybe for next year's black powder season I'll get an 1853 Enfield. Now all I have to do is get better and get back to work. Simple right?

2006-03-26T20:52:00.000-05:00

2006-03-22T13:16:00.000-05:00

Urg. I hate the flu, and its even worse on top of CFS. I feel like a zombie. It doesn't help of course that I decided that since I couldn't find any cough drops that I'd suck on some sweet tarts instead. BAD descision, sugar does not agree with me. I cant' drink sodas, eat candy, or pretty much anything sweet, as it goes stright to my head. Instant brain fog, head ache and general all around feeling suckyness. I think i'm going to curl up in my bed with a good book.

Amos the Zombie King, selling duchies now!

2006-03-15T22:07:00.000-05:00

Oooohhh, Old man Winter is such a tease. It leaves for three days and then comes back. And I so like being outside. It'll be strawberry time in a few months, some for which I await eagerly. Nothing can compare to a fresh sun rippend strawberry, especialy ones grown with 90% less chemicals then ordinary strawberries. I can't eat the store bought berries, they are simply too nasty tasting. ick. I really should get some sleep, it being 11 'oclock now. Nasty dentist, with his nasty needle. Actualy the dentist is pretty good with the needle, no pain at all, its the numbing stuff which gets me. It's like being whacked in the head, instant foggyness. Then I spend the next few days dead as a drained battery. Joy and happiness. At least I can catch up on Webcomics, oh and those holes in my teeth are filled. During the warm weather and before the dentist visit for fillings, I got to visit the three baby goats again. The boys are starting to grow their horns. Just little knobs so far by the end of the year they will be nice little scratchers. Well its off to bed for me, I'm still trying to get back on a normal sleep schedual. So far not much success, but I'll get there is I have to knock myself out with a hammer every night!

Mood: Drained
Music: Come on Up to the House, Tom Waits
Funky Quote of the Day: I am the Chicken Samurai!

2006-03-08T14:11:00.000-05:00

Don't you just love weather news-casters? I like em, mostly cause their so wrong. As a Farmer I see so regularly how far off the mark they can be. They do tend to hit the mark some of the time anyways. Must be a tough job if its actually expected for you to be wrong much of the time. According to them this weekend is going to be quite a scorcher, for march anyways. 70s! I am looking forward to that a lot. The thing I really dislike about the fatigue and all is the being stuck in the house mostly . So I appreciate warm weather that at least lets me sit outside comfortably. Last weekend was alright, and I even had enough energy to fool around almost all day! Of course now I'm burnt out, but hey it was worth it. Its not every day I have enough energy to help little brother and associated cousins build a fort. And see the baby goats, which are quite amusing. Ever had a goat try and eat your coat? Yeah baby, funny and cute as all get out. On the funny and cute as all get out note, go see Curious George. If you've ever read the books as a kid, it behooves you to go and catch it. If its too embarrassing kidnap some relative's or friend's little sibling, use any excuse but see it. Curious George (sniff), He's my hero. You go little monkey.

2006-03-04T01:40:00.000-05:00

2006-03-04T01:13:00.000-05:00

It's another late night, up while every one else is slumbering quietly in their beds. Well maybe not quietly, my Brother next door talks quite loudly in his sleep. Its rather disconcerting to hear some one suddenly spout random gibberish in their sleep. But I digress. Dreams are such strange things, several nights ago I perchanced to have a nightly vision of odd proportions. I've never had nightmares but I've certainly had wacked out dreams. Have you ever drempt that your spirit had been stolen by your nonexistent stepmom? I spent the whole dream trying to thwart her and find my spirit. I did eventually find it burried in a red lacquered box. It was just pretty strange. Speaking of dreams, I'm heading that way now. Nighty Night!

Ian Fulks, The Pajama Ninja of your dreams!

!wow I think this is my first rant not about CFS.

2006-02-22T12:12:00.000-05:00

I don’t want to hear about it. If you have Chronic Fatigue, Fibromialgia, ME or some other chronic illness, you know what I’m talking about. Every stranger you meet, every distant relative, and Lord knows all your friends have heard of/know some miraculous cure, guaranteed or your money back. I don’t want to hear about it. It’s just too much, for eight years I’ve had to deal with it, and I’m not putting up with it anymore.

I am only one person and I can only do so many things, try so many things, research so many things at a time, take so many pills at one time. I understand that you’re trying to be helpful and considerate and your concern is touching. I know that you care, and that you feel for me, and want to be helpful. But, and there’s always a but, it takes all my energy and sometimes more to deal with what I have on my plate now. If what I’m doing right now doesn’t work, I might give it a try. So give me the website address, the book title, or a phone number, and don’t pester me about it. After I’ve researched it, thought about it, and if it makes a glimmering of sense then maybe I’ll give it a shot.

Positive thinking is great, and it’s important to be positive, however telling me day in and day out to be positive isn’t aiding me any. Do I understand how important positive thinking is? I certainly do, people routinely die with nothing wrong, and hang on against all odds, simply by force of will. I know that a positive mindset can make all the difference, but telling me to be happy isn’t going to make me that way. If you are really that worried about me, send me a card, give me a call, or come for a visit, that’ll do more for my mental state than reminding me to be happy all the time. In a way telling me to be positive about every thing is depressing in itself. It’s almost like saying I don’t have a right to be sad, frustrated, or even a little depressed about my situation. There’s nothing wrong with feeling low about being sick, it even helps every once in a while to have a little cry. I’m not saying I’m going to give up or fall into a funk, but sometimes it clears things up. Sometimes I need a shoulder to cry on, and sometimes I know I just need a kick in pants to get me going. Right now I’m just a little tired of the kicks in the pants.

2006-02-14T08:27:00.000-05:00

The Question I Dread

Chronic fatigue is a lot of things, the constant drained feeling, the never ceasing muscle aches, the restless mostly worthless and often absent sleep, the constant fog of war feeling inside your head, it's a general all over zombie feeling. All these things and more make CFS one of the suckiest things around, short of being a zombie, or having a terminal disease. One of the worst aspects however, is dealing with The Question.
People use the Question everyday, with no thought, and without pause. When I was a normal healthy person, long long ago, even I used this common expression every day. The dreaded and un answerable "How Are You?" The Question may seem innocent enough, and it is for the average person. For the Chronic fatigue aficionado this is a loaded interrogation, complete with pit traps, thumbscrews, streching racks, and Chinese water torture. How can such a question be so dangerous you ask? Let me explain.
There are two obvious answers to this question, "I'm doing fine" and "I'm not doing fine". Setting aside the various ways of assembling the two answers, that's what they boil down to. For the sufferer its damned if you do, damned if you don't. If one answers in the affirmative, "why I'm just peachy!" one is lying. We aren't feeling peachey, we actually feel lower than dirt and more useless then tits on a boar. This misunderstanding eventually ends up in misunderstanding, confusion and hurt feelings. The other option of telling the truth, "Woe is me, life just sucks" you end up coming off as a whiney depressed emo person. I am exaggerating but the basic premise is correct. So how do you deal with The Question?
One has to use good judgment, your answer is going to depend on the person. Your casual acquaintance doesn't want to hear every sordid detail of how you couldn't sleep last night, so don't tell em. Its just polite interest in any case. As for your close friends, and relatives, its gets a little more complicated. You have to ask yourself, (and sometimes them) a few questions. Do they really want to know or are they just being polite? Are they inquiring after your mental state (are you feeling perky?), or your physical state (are you feeling like crap?). Maybe they are just trying to see if you are up to doing something. The best thing to do is communicate clearly. Its better for them to ask the specific question then you try and guess their intent. At least that's what I think. But hey I'm just a zombie, what do I know?

2006-02-10T21:53:00.000-05:00

So... Why am I starting a blog? Well, why not. After doing some searching on Google I just couldn't find more than 3 or 4 blogs on chronic fatigue, and all the other websites with testimonials seem to be written by women. So where are all the guys with Chronic Fatigue/Fibromyalgia? Maybe they are just told to suck it up, or some such bull. So I am here to represent the guys with CFS/Fibro, if any others do exist. If you do exist how bout saying so? It gets lonely out here all alone.
Oh yes, cause its my blog i also get to talk about other things too. Like webcomics, things that go bang! tasty food, and anything else I feel like. : - P

Do you like cats? funny comics? for a double dose of funny check out http://www.twolumps.net/

Amos